Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hippie Bullshit

We've all got that hippie-esque friend who insists that hair is best when unwashed and shaving your pits is for yuppies. We put up with them because they can not shave all they like and our legs are still stubble free. But having them around comes at a price: you'll probably end up trying some of their "awesome" hippie products at one point or another.

The thing is, chemicals suck and probably give us cancer, but the natural options usually leave us rubbing hippie bullshit all over our bodies and praying for a miracle. Know what? Your miracle's not coming because that's a crystal you just rubbed under your pits and that means you're going to continue smelling like day old ass. Sorry to bust your bubble, my dreadlocked friend.

I asked around and came up with some heinous hippie crap that is less beautifying than it is utterly useless and kind of funky smelling. Here goes...

(*Sorry about the pic. I know it's revolting, but I'm trying to prove a point.)
  • According to officemate Jess, "Burt's Bees Shea Butter Hand Repair Creme looks and feels like baby diarrhea! I just feel like I am smearing doo doo on my hands. It doesn't work as well as other hand creams, either." Yeah, we'll pass.
  • Dr. Bronner's "All in One" soap is definitively not magical, as the website claims. The company has been weaving that particular rug of BS for more than 60 years, meaning that your grandma's hippie friend probably used it to wash her car, hair and brush her teeth, too. Stop the cycle and insist on seperate products for your teeth and your fender, it's the decent thing to do.
  • Similarly lame and yet inexplicably popular is Tom's of Maine deodorant. Not only does it fail to keep away the stank, it also adds a little funky stench of its own and provokes nasty little rashes in sensitive skinned users. In short, the staff here at The Fetching universally opposes its us. And we spend way too much time thinking about beauty products, so you can totally trust us on this one.
  • While we're on the subject of smelling narsty, let's talk about crystal "deodorant." Actually, there's not much to say; it isn't deodorant andyou can rub it on all you like but you'll still be the weird smelling kid in the back of the bus.

2 comments:

his_punk_girl said...

let the hippie be free to do what they want. Its not your place to tell them what to do and what not to do

Damon said...

You'd probably enjoy this, more hippie garbage
http://impossiblemrd.blogspot.com/2010/03/you-can-tell-youre-in-boulder-when.html

Or this
http://impossiblemrd.blogspot.com/2010/02/rub-2-crystals-and-call-me-in-morning.html

I work at/own a club where we get lots of hippies. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff they come up with...