The thing is, chemicals suck and probably give us cancer, but the natural options usually leave us rubbing hippie bullshit all over our bodies and praying for a miracle. Know what? Your miracle's not coming because that's a crystal you just rubbed under your pits and that means you're going to continue smelling like day old ass. Sorry to bust your bubble, my dreadlocked friend.
I asked around and came up with some heinous hippie crap that is less beautifying than it is utterly useless and kind of funky smelling. Here goes...
(*Sorry about the pic. I know it's revolting, but I'm trying to prove a point.)
- According to officemate Jess, "Burt's Bees Shea Butter Hand Repair Creme looks and feels like baby diarrhea! I just feel like I am smearing doo doo on my hands. It doesn't work as well as other hand creams, either." Yeah, we'll pass.
- Dr. Bronner's "All in One" soap is definitively not magical, as the website claims. The company has been weaving that particular rug of BS for more than 60 years, meaning that your grandma's hippie friend probably used it to wash her car, hair and brush her teeth, too. Stop the cycle and insist on seperate products for your teeth and your fender, it's the decent thing to do.
- Similarly lame and yet inexplicably popular is Tom's of Maine deodorant. Not only does it fail to keep away the stank, it also adds a little funky stench of its own and provokes nasty little rashes in sensitive skinned users. In short, the staff here at The Fetching universally opposes its us. And we spend way too much time thinking about beauty products, so you can totally trust us on this one.
- While we're on the subject of smelling narsty, let's talk about crystal "deodorant." Actually, there's not much to say; it isn't deodorant andyou can rub it on all you like but you'll still be the weird smelling kid in the back of the bus.