Cold Weather Man Wear

I've been seeing a lot of people lately-- guys in particular-- who seem to be under the very dilluded impression that cold weather means they can look more homeless than usual. False.

Temperatures low enough to shrivel your man bits don't mean that five year old fleece is acceptable, that snow boots can be worn in the absence of snow, that anyone's going to see you in your gutter-rat puffer coat and think, "you know what? I'd like to know what's under there, baby making time!" In the interest of catering to my many male readers (one that I know of...), I'm compiling The Official List of Shit Lily Says You May (and May Not) Wear in the Winter.

1) THE COAT
Mildly puffy, down-filled jackets that fit close to the body/don't provide fodder for depressingly accurate marshallow man jokes are legit. Anything a little more streamlined-- think Bogner, Prada, some of Burton's not-retarded-looking offerings -- it bitchin.

2) THE PANTS
-Regular Pants- pretty much the same universal pants rules apply in the winter: they should not be hideous, synthetic, ill-fitting. Fairly straight-forward so, if you fuck that up, you're a massive embarrassment.
-Ski Pants: if they're baggy as hell or elastic around the ankles, you're doing something wrong.

3) SHIRTS/SWEATERS
Turtlenecks make even the most exceptionally fuckable men look like douchebags and/or perverts. That's a fact. Don't believe me? Check out this ass hole.
You really shouldn't have matching family sweaters or anything Bill Cosby-esque.
If this rule is confusing, I give up.

4) THE HAT
A black skull cap from North Face is ideal but other hats of a respectable size and material are permissable. Nothing reminiscent of a stuffed animal or purchased at Walgreens and matching a homeless man's headwear is acceptable.
*Face masks may be worn only in all black while skiing and/or raping someone.

I Want to Get it in With Gamme Rouge

Giambattista Valli's a pimp, we all know that. His clothes are bitchin' and his shoes are about as close as you can come to high class hooker without anyone really being able to actually call them skanky. His Gamme Rouge line for Moncler is no exception.

The shapes are only a tad unconventional, keeping the coats from becoming completely ridiculous. But the fabrics and detailing are legitimately great. Where the Moncler mainline uses patents and nylons to great effect, Gamme Rouge replaces the more conventional fare with all manners of lacey and spangled and feathered silkiness, grosgrain pleated hundreds of times for a single vest.

Gamme Rouge is basically the coolest ski-wear you've ever seen. But on coke. Designer coke snorted off an iPhone with the Olsen Twins.

Clothing Conducive to Cold Russian Bitchiness

My little brother—ever the ass hole—has determined that my appearance suggests a certain cold bitchiness. The red lips, black clothes and unrelenting paleness, it seems, suggest a Natasha-esque (of Boris and Natasha fame) desire to castrate and be generally cunty in my chilly disregard. I’m not sure why he thinks that Russians have the cold bitch market cornered but, perhaps for the last time in his life, David was the first person to catch on.

Comme is Cool

I've finally gotten around to checking out the Comme Des Garconnes E-lookbook and acknowledge that some of the pieces are legit. The notoriously expensive dress, aside from being cool in and of itself, is definitely part of the best image (above). It has a magical surrealism sort of feel to it, much like the rest of the book.

Check out the rest of the standout pieces below.

Oops...

Jezebel, doing their civic duty as always, found another good one today. The above picture, from Marie Claire, looks pretty decent and realistic. I mean, no one's terribly attractive but no one's truly ugly either. The one on the far right comes close but it's really just a sad, matronly thing she's got going on, not so much a babies-will-cry face.

And then bam: the reflection (read "truth"). A photoshopper somewhere is being bitch slapped by four tired looking women and one cheeky gay man. While I admit that the reflection from the table probably distorts, certain features of the incandescently glowing counterparts were obviously airbrushed as hell. Aside from the general appearance of being the sort of people who part sunshine, there's the glaring change in Kath Brown's nose. I mean, it looks nearly normal when airbrushed and significantly more beak-like in the reflection. And am I imagining it or is Bridget (the above-mentioned matron) looking a bit downsy and cross-eyed without the aid of photoshop?

Mantyhose: Men in Tights

I may not be a good Catholic girl but I'm a decent agnostic one who's done her time in long plaid skirts and knee socks. If the nuns taught me anything, it's that boys are not supposed to wear girl clothes, it makes them queer and that means they'll burn in hell later. Crossdressing is risky business.

So what's the deal with Mantyhose? Aside from making their wearers look sexually confused in every sense of the term, there's legitimately no reason for them. Women wear tights primarily to avoid frost bite and sick nasty veins in the cold weather but, last I checked, men weren't generally fond of wearing skirts. So why bother with the super-effeminate, highly embarassing legwear? They're itchy, slide all around and easy access is a thing of the past when you're wearing the equivalent of endless underwear. More importantly still, what about their man junk?

Check out the pantyhose design of the week on e-MANcipate.com and tell me you don't feel god readying himself to smite the nancy boy who wears those.

Madonna's Shoes: "Uncaring" But Pimp

Apparently some anti-violence activists were up in arms over Madonna's Lagerfeld gun shoes. They called her "uncaring," reminding me of everything I hate about activists. To clarify, I hate that they're touchy and ridiculous. The shoes are quirky and hilarious in the most badass of ways and I doubt they'll contribute to an increase in gun violence. Unless I decide to shoot up those anti-violence bitches (see below. Yeah, I'm practicing pretty intensely).

Couldn't Focus on Gossip Girl Ending, Clothes Too Ugly

The fact that I watch Gossip Girl is embarassing. My inability to follow the plot of last Monday's episode is straight up mortifying. It wasn't the super-creative plot twists-- Nate pretends to be Dan only to be busted by a confused Dan, who would've guessed it?!-- or even the Serena-Blair bitch fight that did it. It was those god-awful ugly outfits at the end of the episode.
Serena's far-too-short, pooch-emphasizing sweater dress with those hideous little grey booties that were so very reminiscent of Urban Outfitters fare were an utterly useless combination. Much more sinister, however, was Blair's truly obscence use of prints that would've been ugly even on their own but were full on painful together. And that hat. What was that? Who made that? Why was I subjected to seeing that for almost five minutes? The mind reels.

Actually, because Dan and Ned are too boring to count, Chuck was the only one who looked good during the Yale visit. Very dapper and tapable in his fedora and blazer. The really well done evil scheming is just a bonus. Call me?

Lindsay Lohan Continues to be Overrated

She may have calmed down a bit since becoming a lessie but we all know Lindsey Lohan's a skank ass trick. She hasn't had a legit part for years, her visible roots are ever so Long Island and she thinks that a line of $130 leggings makes her a designer.

The thing is, apparently people like her leggings. The line, named 6126 in some sort of homage to Marilyn Monroe, launched at Bendel's last night and 700 pairs sold in one hour.

Perhaps because it's difficult to fuck up black leggings too much, there weren't any particularly stupid ones. But there also wasn't anything that great or unusual about the 6126 offering. The metallic pair are essentially a more expensive copy of the American Apparel metallic leggings, which are a cheap knockoff of the Daryl K ones from almost two years ago. The leggings with the silly sequined knee pads are fairly useless. The only semi-inventive/enticing model is the gold-zippered variation. If you're into leggings, they're alright and not too tacky.

What I'd really like to know is who made the leggings she wore to the launch party? You'd think they'd be her own but I can't find any confirmation of that. They're pretty legit and would be great with some motorcycle boots and an uncomfortably short dress. Hook me up, Linds.

Since When is Zappos.com Not Full On Useless?

Everything I thought I knew what torn asunder today. A Zappos box was delivered to my boss's office this morning and, because one of my many super important responsibilities is opening her mail, I did what I do best with that box opener. Yes, the thought of her walking about in the pink pleather platforms I imagined to be the only possible contents of a Zappos box made me sick but I'm a professional and I managed to tear the tape away without shaking.

Inside the white box with the familiar-- read "cheesy"-- blue Zappos logo was an entirely less expected box: the black and white classiness of Givenchy. And inside that minimalist vesself of fabulous footwear sat a pair of booties that I maintain would have made a hell of a lot more sense going home with me. They were black and leather and everything good about shoes.

Until today I had no reason to believe that Zappos.com is a place for anything more than Steve Maddens and Crocs, the sort of shoes that 7th graders love and legitimate human beings should avoid at all costs. Who knew that Dickies and Dolce could exist harmoniously in the same environment?

Sick Nasty

I've been a particularly disgusting variety of sick for the past several days, hence the complete lack of updating. That woman above? Not technically me but she has a similar haircut and general look of tragic nastiness. Anyway, I'm back.

Election '08 Update: "Real Women Hunt Moose"

Or so claims Sarah Palin's tote bag...

No More Prada Lace, Please

The sight of anything made of lace by Prada is, officially and completely, unwelcome at this point. Aside from the fact that the Fall '08 collection wasn't actually nearly as spectacular as everyone though last spring, it has now become so obnoxiously ubiquitous editorially that it's impossible to love it any longer. I mean, Vogue has been shooting lacy Prada pieces for months now and everyone from Bazaar to i-D is jumping on the Miuccia bandwagon.

I'll admit that New York Magazine's moody, swampy look (center left) is a bit cool but jesus, I've already seen it in W. Congrats to i-D (top) for at least differentiating themselves a bit with the choice of orange and very Marni-esque shoes as opposed to full on Prada and ladies who lunch accessories. Regardless, please make it stop.

Most Important Issue In Last Night's Presidential Debate: Looks

Disclaimer: if you're looking for legitimate political commentary, go somewhere else.

So here's the thing: all politics aside, John McCain just didn't look like the leader of the free world last night. There he was all hunched and stiff and jowls-aquiver and not six feet away sat, no, leaned, an oh-so-relaxed Obama, a small smile playing across his face. McCain's talking about millions of failing mortgages and what I'm seeing is a guy who can't lift his arms above his shoulders and appears to be drowning in his admittedly legitimate suit.

And then, once again, comes Obama and, let's face it, I don't care what he's saying because he looks so damn good articulating it. The gestures are fluid and he doesn't keep calling us his "friends" and, if I'd been alone, my pants might've come off.

When it comes down to it, who's face would look better on a million dollar bill? Obama's. Whose family is totally devoid of fatties and the elderly? Obama's. And, most importantly of all, who would you rather take out behind the Whitehouse and get pregnant? Don't even try to tell me you'd prefer to lady rape McCain, I won't believe it.

Lined or Unlined?

I found this upholstery fabric that's alternatingly sheer organza and knit so, being a lover of all things striped and see through, I had to buy it. The guy at Mood told me it's great for curtains. Funny. Seriously though, screw window drapings when I could have a dress instead.

I started the skirt yesterday and I can't decide whether or not to line it. Although it's technically a bit "naked" without a lining, it's also much more awesome. I mean, I'd wear opaque tights so as to avoid the whole public indecency thing...

Personal Style Consultant

This queenie little stylist came into the store I work at the other day in search of dresses for one of his clients. "Oh my god," he exclaimed, "Bonnie would just die-- D I E-- for this little number. Die!" Instead of listing more demonstrative dialogue, I'll just cut to the point: he was annoying as hell and really fake. Obviously.
More interesting than his ridiculously hyperbolic speaking and truly questionable loafers, however, was his business card. Apparently he's not just a stylist, he's a "Personal Style Consultant." Ha.
I'm not even going to address the first part because just thinking about it makes me piss my pants. Personal style consultant, on the other hand, is a very interesting job description. The term "personal style" necessarily implies that it's, well, personal. Whether good or bad, your personal style is very much your own. So how is the advice of tiny man prone to exaggeration and statments like "I was just stuuuunnnnedd by that dress!" going to make any of us look more like ourselves?

Hello Kitty is My Homegirl

The conversation outside of Yogurtland was understandably uninspiring given that my friends and I were busy shoveling approximately twelve pounds of cookie dough covered frozen yogurt into our mouths. Being a ridiculously and embarassingly fast eater, I finished gorging myself first and wandered into one of those incredibly shitty looking jewelry stores on Bleecker. You know, big, shiny, plastic, rhinestones, the stuff of particularly tacky nightmares.

When I walked in, I was really only planning on sarcastically saying how much I loved the worst pieces, rolling my eyes bitchily at Claire who'd seen fit to accompany me into the rainbow-brite paradise.

Midway through trying on a two inch spider brooch and gagging at the sight of a Hello Kitty ring, I found the best ironic hair accessory ever. It was $32-- admittedly steep for the utter piece of crap that it is-- but I kind of love my huge heart hair clip and will definitely wear it until it breaks. Seeing as that'll probably be tomorrow, it's really not too much of a commitment.

Tear-Jerkingly Ridiculous

Tired of waking up five minutes early to apply those eyeliner tears? Well, emo kids, rejoice because 29 year old Dutch designer Eric Klarenbeek has the perfect solution: eye jewelry. Small crystals dangle from contact lenses attached by medical wire and the combination is the most ridiculous accessory I've heard of to date. But think, for only 200 pounds it could be yours!

Add This to the Ongoing List of Things I Want

The armor-esque belt and funny little cuffs from Karl Lagerfeld's runway are great looking. Feel free to send them to me, I totally accept gifts.

Death Threats for my Daddy

My parents are in Italy right now. From what I gather, it has something to do with keeping the romance alive and other concepts that make me throw up when applied to the loins of my fruit. The only part of the trip that affects me at all is the Prada outlet, which they claimed to be going to today.

Except they can't have gone today. How do I know this? Because they didn't call me and I couldn't get through to them and these people who raised me must know that I will do terrible, terrible things to them in their sleep if they went to the homeland of cheap Prada and didn't take my requests.

Seriously though, I will eat their young (as in my little brother), spitting the blood on my mom's side of the bed (She's neurotic about cleanliness) and leaving one limb dangling above the front door to greet them when they return. They best not test me, I swear to god.

It's Balmain, Bitches

Christophe Decarnin of Balmain has, once again, made me hate every piece of clothing I own. Grr.

I Manned Up a Little Today

After coming across this picture last night, I was inspired to finally wear my own questionably dungeon-mistress-esque gear this evening. (For clarity's sake, when I say "coming across" I mean googling and actively searching for). Agent Provocateur corset firmly tied, Daryl K black latex leggings looking like they were painted on and Jil Sander lace up boots firmly secured, I had the distinct look of someone selling abusive sex for money. A swirly Marni skirt and pleated Temperley jacket later, however, the outfit was borderline acceptable for public wearing.